Once upon a time, I learned the newly coined term askhole. I rejoiced in its existence and quickly made a mental note of any friends, family or acquaintances who fit this category… Conveniently forgetting that life is a mirror and you cannot see in others what isn’t already present within you. Doh.
Askhole – noun. A person who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
The above is the official Webster’s definition of said term. Actually, I don’t know if that’s true but it’s bound to be in the dictionary sooner or later. The term askhole also encompasses people who constantly ask for advice about the same problem and do nothing to change their situation, whether it’s about their boss, their housemate, their partner and regularly participate in the ‘wah wah’ of their life.
I fooled myself into thinking I was not, in fact, an askhole. I mean, I’m a powerful person, always buzzing, shifting, transforming! I’m a Landmark graduate, for god’s sake. I’VE BEEN SELF-DEVELOPING FOR YEARS! I’VE SEEN THE SECRET!
I couldn’t possibly be one of the peasants in the trenches.
Despite this deeply ingrained belief, my days consisted of creating drama and dumping said creations on anyone who would listen. Every single bump in the road was documented and put on loudspeaker to twenty of my nearest and dearest on the regular. The Kasia Show, 24/7. Pure madness.
Despite taking my issues to so many incredible and loving people, transformation of said drama did not occur. I did not pass go, I did not collect $200.
Nothing came from it except feeling justified, self-righteous and ultimately only hearing that which my ego wanted to hear. Just like the mad queen up on her pedestal screaming “Off with their heads!!!”
When I finally had had enough, I chose to curb my askhole behaviour and commit to a full life transformation and clean out every single dark and twisty nook and cranny.
You too can curb your enthusiasm for being an askhole by following these simple steps.
1. CHECK YOURSELF
The one person I wasn’t checking in with was myself. I also wasn’t CHECKING myself so no one else could check me either. The one person who had the answers all along was me, and instead of tuning into my own power I was dispersing my energy to everyone, never slowing down to listen to myself.
My perception wasn’t clear. The access to my own power was muddled. It had to be cleared.
Your first instinct or thought is your true voice. The second and third are just your ego drowning out your truth.
I took responsibility for my life and what I was creating inside of it. This means taking responsibility (not fault or blame) for how others treated me, how they interacted with me and every circumstance along the way.
You don’t get to pick and choose what you created and what you didn’t. Everything in your path is your creation – the good, the bad, the ugly.
Once I realised that everything happens exactly how it’s meant to, nothing could throw me. Not for long anyway. Big project got pulled resulting in no longer having a job? No biggie. Got broken up with? Perfect. A close friend doesn’t want to be pals anymore? Awesome. I began to see the blessings, lessons and perfection in every single situation.
When you stop blaming the other for circumstances in your life the freedom that emerges is unimaginable. Things that used to take weeks to bounce back from, literally take zero to ten minutes. Radical concept, I know.
I choose to accept everything, as it is and as it isn’t. Including people, situations and circumstances. What people choose to do with their lives is not my circus nor my monkeys. They’re going to do whatever it is they are going to do anyway, walking their own path.
I stopped judging, as nothing is good or bad (thinking makes it so), and focused solely on transforming myself.
Acceptance does not, however, mean that you put up with behaviours that do not serve you. Which brings me to my next point.
Create your boundaries and stick to them. If there are ways of being that you or others exhibit that do not serve you, be clear about it and do not falter. No one will ever honour your boundaries if you don’t honour them first.
We teach others how to treat us.
For me, the first step was cutting out the chatter – I no longer participate in the dispersion of energy through pointless drama. I no longer entertain the same thing without progress, within myself or others.
Do what must be done simply because it must be done. Stop thinking about all the things you should do and just do them. You will feel better than you ever have.
No amount of talk, stress or having a Plan B offers you any protection from the inevitable pull of life and what it’s going to throw your way. Stop talking and start doing.
Lastly, choose your advisors wisely. I was asking the wrong questions of the wrong people and diluting my own message. A good rule of thumb is; don’t take advice from people unless you want to live their life.
Find an expert who lives the life you dream of (like I did!) and take your business their way. Literally, if you must. If you want to go outside yourself for guidance, only take it from those who live the life you truly desire and surround yourself only with those who are actively and purposefully moving towards their dreams and aspirations.
The greatest of us are constantly working on developing ourselves. We have mentors, teachers, guides and coaches. We do courses and take classes because the great don’t give a phuck about not being great.
They just get on with doing what must be done simply because it must be done.