I know many strong, independent, beautiful, sexy women who chase boys like they have nothing better to do with their time. They could be building or running their empires by now and living lives that dreams are made of. Instead, they spend night after night glued to Tinder, Bumble or whatever dating app is hot right now looking to find something to fill the time and the empty space inside.
Desperate for human connection, conversation and attention, they relay every interaction with potential suitors verbatim to their girlfriends, spending hours agonising over dudes who probably couldn’t give a hoot.
I know what it’s like because I used to be one of those girls. Being out of balance with myself caused me to over-reach while searching for something inside the other that I could not find within myself.
When I ended my six year relationship in May 2014, the first thing I did was install Tinder. Before I knew it, I had a selection of suitors lining up and they were the cream of the Tinder crop. It was raining beautiful, sexy men. Who knew it could be this easy?
I literally spent the first year of being single obsessing over the boys who entered my life in a romantic capacity. I refer to them as boys because if we’re to be real, I met very few true men during this time period. This isn’t to belittle them – simply, a reflection of my own state in attracting that which I put out. And what I put out was not the kick-ass vibe of an independent woman of essence, but that of a little girl – desperate for attention and validation.
The men I did meet were not interested in a woman-child who was 30 going on 22, completely out of balance in her life. Those men were busy living their lives, fulfilling their dreams and not interested in running around with someone who had actively stunted her own growth and was revelling in the dysfunction.
I jumped from boy to boy, hookup to hookup, relationship to relationship, starved for affection, desperate for human connection. Each relationship was put on loudspeaker to my friends, text conversations were screen dumped and analysed way past anything that resembled reason and nothing, I mean nothing, was holy. Hours were spent re-reading conversations to gain new insights or a bigger meaning of “what he might have meant”. There was no balance present in my world. This was how the little girl spent her time.
“Don’t forget, when texting a girl you’re texting all of her friends via screenshot.” – Me
The worst of it is that my girlfriends and I all egged each other on. We were just as invested in our own boy drama as in each others. There was no talk of substance… No talk of hopes, dreams or business. No philosophy. Nothing bigger. Just boys. Enablers unite!
When one situationship didn’t work out, we picked ourselves up, dusted off and tried again. Each next guy was destined to be THE ONE, you see. The one that was going to fill the space in our lives we were unable to fill ourselves.
I didn’t realise that while focusing my energy on finding a man, I wasn’t developing myself and through the dispersion of said energy I had no juice left for me. I was exhausted and just wanted to nap.
I wasn’t exercising.
I wasn’t cooking.
I wasn’t eating well.
I wasn’t reading.
I wasn’t writing.
I wasn’t stretching.
I wasn’t enjoying nature.
I wasn’t working towards my goals.
I wasn’t even planning for the future.
I had stopped developing skills which were important to me. I stopped paying attention to causes and events that impacted me. I lacked balance in every single area of my life and I was doing a great job of covering it up.
I was definitely not progressing and nowhere near building the life that I desired for myself. I figured it would all work itself out and come into balance when I met the ONE. I fantasised how he would ride in on his black stallion and hand me the life I always wanted. It wouldn’t matter how messy I allowed my life to get because we would start from scratch and build the brand new shiny foundation together.
Now I know that building mess on mess is a recipe for disaster. It’s also a whole lot of pressure and expectations put on someone who literally just entered your life. Pure madness.
Why was I attracting that which did not serve me, day in and day out? If we attract that which we are… well it was time to get real about that.
When we moan, complain and generally “wah-wah” about what we are experiencing in our lives we love to blame the other. “He isn’t being THIS WAY! He isn’t being THAT WAY!” We do not look at the root of the problem – ourselves. We forget the powerful creators we are and what we call into existence into our lives.
I was not living in tune with my higher purpose. I was not integral with myself. I was not doing that what I said I would. My word meant nothing. I had no foundation to base myself in, no stance within myself, energetic space was being taken up by boys who I allowed to throw me off balance with whatever they were bringing to the table. Or more importantly, weren’t bringing.
When I begun my journey of self-mastery and correction, I found my balance. I became present to the fact that the flower does not chase the bee. The flower blossoms and the bee comes.
When I reflect on my past relationships, they just happened. I didn’t have to chase. I was just going about my business, doing what must be done, and someone who altered my life showed up and stayed a while.
Don’t take that to mean that you should live your life in hope that someone shows up.
Live your life with purpose, for you. Nothing MUST be done in order for you to achieve the life you desire except taking actions congruent with living that desired life. So no, hours on Tinder is not supporting you in being the best version of yourself.
All that is yours is coming your way. You will never have to force anything that’s truly meant to be. What comes to you is yours. What leaves you, was never yours to begin with.
When you take yourself off the proverbial market and just do you, something interesting happens. People start flocking to you. Dudes who once upon a time you would have given your right arm to be with, ask you out.
It’s then you realise how far you’ve come and the journey is too good to stop now. You’re solid within yourself and you don’t need another to complete you.