Rethink your dating game

I have implemented a dating policy in my life because I realised, actually, I’ve never before had one.

Now I don’t date, don’t have online dating profiles, don’t use dating apps, don’t say yes when guys ask me out and I don’t sleep around. There is nothing bad or wrong with the above, however I have chosen for this time in my life to not engage in the world of dating.

In the future I will get married to a beautiful man and have babies, but for now, I’m not dating and I’m totally off the market.

“But Kasia, how will you find this man if you don’t date?” I hear you say… Well I’m a big believer in what is meant for you will never miss you and what comes to you is yours. When I stand in balance and neutrality, what will come to me will come and be mine to deal with and explore.

Also, it’s really not my focus or my priority. If the “perfect man” walked into my life right now I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with him. I’m still becoming the woman I’m going to be for that man and he should be out there busy becoming the man he needs to be.

Since ending a six year relationship last May I’ve had a string of life experiences involving men which, as perfect as they were for the time, I’m glad are now behind me.

During the first 12 months of single-dom, I experienced the joys and frustrations of Tinder, an affair with a guy who was practically married, a long distance relationship, a fling with a famous rapper, the terrifying confession of my “feelings” for my best friend and six months in a dysfunctional and toxic arrangement with someone which completely took over my reasonable thinking brain.

As crazy as it sounds I truly felt at the time that each of these situationships were the key to my eternal happiness. I believed it was to be found in another, in their arms, or their love and approval of me and most definitely outside of myself.

I did not see, at the time, the perfection in each of those relationships. I stepped into each of them unconsciously, unaware that my partners were simply mirroring back to me what needed to be highlighted within me, for me to learn from.

Had I stepped into them consciously, aware of my destruction to come, I could have simply enjoyed the ride in pure bliss and not indulged in wallowing in each situation.

I am clear that those experiences was me over-reaching for comfort, love and acceptance and trying to turn them into something which was not meant for me at the time. As soon as one situation ended, another one begun. The cycle continued and I couldn’t understand why.

The same situation will visit and re-visit you time and time again until the lesson is learnt and the energy transformed.

What I understand now is that what was lacking, in big part, besides my conscious stepping in each moment, was a policy around dating, relationships and sex. I always just took what I was given by the boy who liked me (if I liked him back) and sometimes it worked out for a while and mainly it didn’t.

I can now see all those relationships for what they were, not what I preferred, wanted or hoped for and I can bring that clarity into new relationships. Seeing with my eye, not my mind.

I have created my own policy around men who enter my life and what it is that I would and wouldn’t accept. Because really, what’s the point of spending even a week with someone who isn’t aligned to your purpose? And once sex enters the arena it is harder to let go even of someone we know shouldn’t be in our lives and most definitely not in the capacity of a man, who shows up as a man would for a woman.

Some women have rules like; “He has to have a job and a car!” Others want to be taken to Italy or France on the first date. Some want their partners to share their life goals and values.

Now that I have a policy to guide me, I’m not wasting time, fleeting feelings or emotion getting involved in something that isn’t going to stand the test of time or that will take my time away from bigger pursuits.

Simply put, I don’t invite people into my life who don’t forward the conversation of their own life because inadvertently it isn’t going to forward mine. And what I’m up to is really important to me.

My policy is not a judgement or an attempt to force my lifestyle onto another – it’s being clear on what it is that I will or will not accept inside of my life.

What’s your policy?